"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush." ~ Dawn French
I remember when I was 8 years old, I was playing Hide & Seek in the ally with some friends of mine. This was before we got older and expanded the game to include several blocks & walkie talkies. At 8, it was just one block of ally, and when you went further than that, you were cheating. So, I was hiding at the very end of the ally behind someone's shed on their parking pad and my friend was the seeker. I remember giggling and being out of breath, because games like that always did that to me. I would get so scared/excited/giggly and I was very easy to find because I just couldn't be quiet! This time though, my friend was having a hard time finding me, so he stopped to ask my neighbor if they had seen "a fat, short, chubby girl run through here". I was close enough to hear it, and I was mad enough to come out of my hiding spot, scream at him, and stomp home crying.
I was always the one to go home crying (I was a drama queen/cry baby after all), but my feelings had really been hurt. I highly doubt that he remembers that day...but I do. I probably will never forget it. I remember a lot of instances where my weight was the center of attention. In middle school I was stabbed in the back of the hands on a regular basis, and each jab was followed by a "fatty", "fat ass", or something similar. One time, my brand new Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was thrown into the boys bathroom with the words "Do a bit of running will you? Go fetch your precious book". I cried, got a teacher, and got my book back....water damage and all (it was thrown into a puddle & on a side note, I still have that book). When someone told another kid I "thought he was cute", he stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and was like "Who would want a fat ass following him around? Ew, really? Go back to your table rolly poly". In high school, it was a little better, but I still remember being called "Flubber" and being called fat by this group of kids outside of school.
Kids are cruel....very cruel. But it's worse when your own family starts saying stuff. My uncles and aunt have always been very upfront about what they think of my weight, and they basically say it's my fault. But, I think they were partially wrong and partially right. When I first started gaining weight, I think that it was not really my fault, or controllable. I think it was a mix of hormones (I was 11 when I puffed up like a balloon) and growing up. But, now, it's definitely my fault. I can't bring myself to lose the weight because I have no confidence in my ability to lose it...
But, I have kind of reached my breaking point with my weight. I am tired of thinking that everyone is looking at me and wondering "why is she wearing that? what size does she think she is?". I am tired of being self-conscious. I am tired of thinking about it all the time, and obsessing over it. I am tired of buying clothes and realizing they sag a little, and then months later having those same clothes cut into my skin because they are too tight. I am tired of going to my internship, sitting in a chair, and hurting the whole time because the arms of the chairs cut into my legs because I am bulging out of the seat. I am tired of going to an amusement park and wondering if I will one day no longer be able to fit in the seats. Adding to that, I am tired of having to adjust the seat belts and having the attendants come and look at how far the seat belt has to be stretched. I am just tired of it all.
I feel like I can't let anyone know I'm working out, because then it places an expectation on me that I cannot fulfill. I feel like I can't tell anyone I'm working out because they will make comments like "I told you you could do it", "Don't worry, you don't have to go as hard the first time", etc. I don't want ANYONE to talk about it, just workout with me in silence and know that I know you're there for me. I don't like working out with people who go to the gym regularly because I know I can't do what they do, and they're probably slowing down their regular workout to keep up with me - who is much slower than them.
All in all, it boils down to two things: I don't think I'll ever get over my weight issues, and I'm going to need professional, psychological help and I need to do something, NOW. I can't afford to wallow in failures...I need to make something work. After talking to a dear friend of mine, I know I have to be on the right path. She showed me that she used to be bigger, around my size...but she started working out and that changed. So, I ordered this thing called TurboFire....and I really like it so far.
This blog will serve as my "journal" as I work out, and try to fix my issues....one or two at a time. Let's start off like this:
Today, I am 250 lb's.......take this as a big leap....I just shared that number, and I never have before. If I could get to 200, that would be great...if I could get lower...that would be amazing...but let's start off small....let's just lose 5 lbs....and I would be happy. Let's get away from the half way mark. I worked out on Friday, Saturday, and today. I did cardio on Friday, cardio on Saturday, and Core/Sculpting/Toning today. Tomorrow morning, I'll be doing cardio....I'm doing this every day. Currently, my stomach hurts...and my legs hurt...and my arms hurt...but no pain, no gain right?
...I hope this works. I'm losing faith in everything, even my ability to pull myself out of a slump. I don't want to be big...I am absolutely disgusted with my own body, and that's not fair. I don't want to be the typical lazy fat person, and consider gastric bypass, lap band, liposuction, or anything else. I want to do this the right way. I want to work for it....but I do want quick results..because one false step, one gained pound, and I question everything...and fall off the wagon.
I need mental help. Really. And more people like my best friends MOK, SS, and CB.
